It's all your fault

*reply to an online dating email*

Well, I suppose if you want the real honest answer is that it’s our entire, 100% fault. I’m not suggesting that everything in life is our FAULT, but it’s our responsibility to react in the most change invoking and positive way possible. The victim card just doesn’t hold any value for me at all.

I have to admit, any bad situation I’ve ever been part of in the dating world have been my complete responsibility. I was in control of the situation and could have changed it but didn’t. So there has to be part of us inside that inherently thrives on chaos. We can’t really control who we’re attracted to physically, and the people who have natural selection through looks don’t have to back it up with anything. Why would they? Next!

Unless they hit the point when they’re sick of getting used for what they are. Their looks, money, power or status. I have to admit, I have an angel on my shoulder but a devil in my head. I understand why people do the things they do. Why we’re all attracted to badass girls/guys, why we bitch and moan we’re not getting what we want.

It’s too bad we’re all fed this self invoking insecurity bullshit from a young age, or the problem would just sort itself out. People are just too afraid to be themselves because, and I think this is the reason, they’re afraid that people won’t like them. I have a buddy of mine whose having dating problems, and has had them since the dawn of time. He’s a cool cat, but a bit mislead in the respect of who he is. I had to sit him down and break the reality to him that whoever he is, better come out or he wont ever be happy. He’s always pretending to be something he’s not to impress girls, family friends… so few people actually know him for him.

At some point, we all get the understanding that we’re in control of our own happiness, not other people. We begin to understand that it’s our passions and imperfections that make us who we are, not what we look like with our clothes off. Once you’re there, you can start filtering what you want and don’t want with a little more accuracy. After all, we’re all in control of our happiness. We can either thrive on that, or chaos.

Casey and the Goat

When I was growing up as a kid going to elementary school, I had this friend named Casey. This guy used to love Alanis Morsette with a passion, but I digress.

His dad trained animals for movie sets. So he would have bears, tigers and other insane animals on their farm just outside Vancouver. We went to go visit him during spring break and the first thing they do is warn me about the goat.

I'm thinking, right... goat... how bad can this be? How wrong I would be proven...

In the morning we're going to see this insane zoo of a farm, and we have to walk about 50 yards to the barn from the back of the house. This isn’t exactly a LONG distance. I mean, it’s extremely improbable that anything of circumstance could happen in such a short distance; however we would soon find out exactly how probable the chance of death really was.

Casey and I leave via the back door for two reasons. One, it provided a high vantage point as to see any possible mishaps along the 50 yard stretch. And two, it was a slightly shorter jog. All looked clear as we embarked upon this journey… a journey of disaster it would turn out, for foul things lived there that no man should ever see.

We make it EXACTLY 25 yards in… that’s the halfway mark for the math professors in the audience. Suddenly in the not too far distance, we see a goat. The look on Casey’s face at this point told me we didn’t need a GPS unit to know exactly how far up shits creek we were. He looked like he was about to cry; and cry he did.

We stood still for a good minute. No movement, no talking. The goat sized both of us up, head to toe. Without notice, Casey starts running to the barn yelling “hurry, cmon!”

Now, I’m not sure if the goat spoke English, or if the two of them were just communicating on some supernatural level, but that goat took off like a missile on an intercept course for Casey. I think my friend made it 7 steps before that goat crashed into him like a freight train. Casey went flying through the air and before he even made a touchdown on the dirt, the goat lined up for another hit.

The only thing going through my mind as I was running the final steps into the total safety of the barn was “what did his madman father teach this foul beast?!”

Casey got to his feet and swept the dirt and mud off his clothes. I found this particularly amusing as I knew he was going to get tagged at least another time before he made it to the barn. In my amusement, I forgot that we BOTH had to make it back to the house. Casey didn’t move when he stood up, he was frozen in time. Oddly enough, the goat maintained the same composure. They just stood there and eyed each other up a second time.

So long as Casey maintained his footing and didn’t advance towards the barn, the goat didn’t move. My friend stood in the same spot, not moving for what seemed to be an eternity. I’m pretty sure his life flashed before his eyes.

The goat looked down to eat some grass and in that instant, Casey took off running again. Full tilt this time towards the side of the barn, the goat not too far behind, he makes it around to the side of the barn where there is a small door. Casey though he was safe at last, but, due to a terrible miss-calculation, finds out the door is locked, and the goat is thoroughly successful in smashing him a second time.

The importing of that goat to the farm made a lot of people angry, and was widely regarded as “a bad move”. Further interactions with the evil goat would include full hockey pads and a helmet, but that’s a story for another time.

Open Letter to a Friend

I used to be one of those guys that would just lay over and take shit "in the name of love". This last girlfriend sort of put me into check. I love her for it, even though I hate the bitch for the position she put me into. Its kinda messed up in a way, I think im the kind of person that could forgive anything, including cheating. Maybe in a way, if I was being totally honest that might read "..could forgive anything as long as I was getting what I wanted".

We're all a bunch of selfish cocksuckers in one way or another.

I always felt I had to settle with the lesser of two evils, but in the end I learned that having nothing is better than having something you complain about. From now on, I'm either happy with what I have or I'll be shutting the fuck up and dealing with my problem. We always love to bitch about how we dont have what we want or how people dont see us the way we want them too. Our real friends dont care about our problems, they care about our solutions. If we dont take charge of our own problems, we risk becoming a burdon to those around us.

Perhaps at some point along the road I figured out I was in control of my life. I alone, decide right and wrong. I had to take control of my happiness and learn that it was my responsibility to do the things I had to be happy. Remember that old saying "advice is something we ask for when we already know the answer to something but wish we didnt." You already know if you're going to leave that boy or stay with him. You've known the second you asked yourself, its just a matter of you getting up the nerve to pull the trigger on whatever option you initially chose. You fell in love with the guy for a reason. Equally youre falling out of love for another set of reasons. Dont forget the start, when you choose the end.

Lots of people go through life blaming relationship problems on external factors. I gotta tell you, I'm a fucking master of long ass relationships. And blame. I average 3 years per girl and used to think it was always the other persons fault. I soon found out how fucking idiotic that mindset was. It was all my fault, everything. Every last bit of it. The reasons they didnt work out varied, but the one constant was my lack of taking charge of my happiness. I'm not talking about one of those half assed "You're ok, and I'm ok so we're ok" kinda things. I mean really OWNING that happiness and ensuring I was the person I wanted to be. After all, you cant control the other person.

Out of the people I've been dating lately, I dont give them a fucking inch. Thats not to say I dont care about them on an emotional level, I just dont allow them to challenge my core values. Everyone has to believe in something, and I used to belive in some stupid shit that landed me in the position I am today. I guess to be fair in everything, people naturally take advantage of people who allow themselves to be taken in such ways. You'll just have to decide what you want and go get it. People respect those with moral cornerstones in their life; people who wont be pushed off them for anything.

I gotta tell you babe, you need to figure out what makes you, YOU! I won't tell you what to do about this guy because it would be hippocritical for me to give you some idea that he's somehow different than any other guy. When you first told me this story about him, I'm not going to lie, I honestly wanted to see someone drive a fucking truck through his bedroom. The really twisted part about that was, he reminds me of me.

I did all those things he's doing to you know. Every last one of them. Go look him in the eyes and try to imagine you're looking right at me. He's every other guy out there in some way or another. I really want to tell you that running away from him is the right answer. I want to be able to make you know you'll be happy with the next guy. I really wish I was that good of a liar, but I'm not. Your next boyfriend is going to have problems, just like your current one does.

It would be impossible for me to offer you any reasonable explanation as to why I was the way that I was. The only thing I can say is that most of us are running from something. Many of us tuck it away and present a neat little package for everyone to see. Others just have too much in the bucket and are spilling out everywhere they go. Perhaps your mans bucket is just too full. I dont know him that well, but I bet theres something thats making him act that way.

If you want guys to look at you with an ounce of respect, make sure you have a litre of it for yourself. Do not bend, do not be swayed and never let a guy manipulate you into a situation you know in your heart is wrong. My only advice to you would be to take a look around you and pay close attention to who is in your life. Those people love you for you, not for the person you pretend to be to make them happy. In the end, look at the beginning. Whatever decision you make, dont forget that person you fell in love with at the start. They, in a wierd sort of way, will haunt you for the rest of your life. Make sure the haunting is a good one. Remember the things you expeirienced and loved about them. Seperations, however heartbreaking, should be based on mutual love.

Good luck.